Birthdays Quotes

She claims she just turned thirty but it must have been a U-turn!

She's not pushing forty she's dragging it.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier.

For weeks I've been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday and he still forgot to bring me something.

The age of some women is like the speedometer on a used car - you know it's set back but you don't know how far.

What can you say when your husband says: 'You can't expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older."

Pushing fifty is exercise enough.

After thirty a body has a mind of its own.

Of all the things I miss the thing I miss the most is my mind.

My health is good it's my age that's bad.

I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

At eighty-eight how do you feel when getting up in the morning? . . . Amazed!

Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.

He's so old his social security number is two digits.

Sometimes I feel that I'm not just aging . . . I'm decomposing.

My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her like a banknote for two twenties.

Middle age is when your old classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

It's a sobering thought: When Mozart was my age he had been dead for two years.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

When I think of my dad as a little boy I tend to think of him in black and white.

I'm sixty-five but if there were fifteen months in every year I'd only be forty-eight.

Try to accept each other for what you are and don't point out the fact that the hair he's losing on his head is now growing out of his nose - and his ears.

Middle age is when you have met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else and usually is.

Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places.

The secret to longevity is to keep breathing.

People who have the most birthdays live the longest.

I have everything I had twenty years ago only it's all a little bit lower.

I may be forty but every morning when I get up I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately there's never one around.

To what do you attribute your advanced age? Well I suppose I must attribute it to the fact that I have not died.

Age is mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter.

She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.

When she told me her age I believed her - why not? she hasn't changed her story for five years.

She was born in the year of our Lord only knows. The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to other women's.

Old age is like everything else to make a success of it you got to start young.

I was just thinking when I was a young girl I never knew what every young girl was supposed to know. And now I am going to be an old lady I don't know what every old lady is supposed to know.

He is at an age that whenever a pretty girl smiles at him he immediately looks down to see what is unzipped.

Life begins at fifty but so does bad eyesight arthritis and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same listeners.

When Julia Child was asked to what she credited her longevity she replied "Red meat and gin."

Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.

When we're young we want to change the world. When we're old we want to change the young.

I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

There are three ages of man: youth middle age and "Gee you look good."

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do.

Remember when we used to laugh at old people when we were young? Do you recall what was so funny?

You know you are getting older when "happy hour" is a nap.

I wouldn't say someone is old just because his social security is in Roman numerals or because Mozart played at his senior prom.

If you think a lot of the comments made tonight are not funny but are immature and tasteless that's only because the sense of humor is the first thing to go.

I was going to take you out to lunch for your birthday . . . but you already are.

We've reached an age that when construction workers stare at us it's because they figure we might be considering a remodeling job.