W.S. Gilbert Quotes

I want to be the best in whatever I do.

You have to do everything to help your team out. I have the ability to rebound, so I might as well go and do it to help my team win.

This sport is just crazy. Your worst enemy in college is your teammate and friend when you get to the NBA. Who would have thought it?

I'm still trying to be a kid. I really don't want to feel like an adult.

As a player leaving early, you always look back and wonder what could have been. But you have to be happy with your decisions, because you ultimately have to live with them.

Most kids would be like, 'My dad's never around.' But I saw it as a positive. He was out there working to provide for me.

. . . for the most part the worst instructed, and the least knowing of any of their rank, I ever went amongst.

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

I found out about Jonathan Winters death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashians divorce before she did.

You never know what people will choose to be offended by.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.

Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.

In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.

I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

Nothing can help my comedy.

There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.

Know the subject; love the subject; like your students; know your students.

The young do not demand omniscience. They know it is unattainable. They do demand sincerity.

Most Americans do not like poetry. We may respect it, but we do not enjoy it.

A period of high civilization is one in which thoughts fly freely from mind to mind, from one country to another-yes, from the past into the present.

Many of the snarly bad-tempered teachers whom we remember with hatred were really nice people soured by years of anxiety and penny-pinching.

You [the teacher] do not merely insert a lot of facts, if you teach them [the students] properly. It is not like injecting 500 cc. of serum, or administering a year's dose of vitamins.

Gratitude produced the most purely joyful moments that have been known to man.

Exactly at the instant when hope ceases to be reasonable it begins to be useful.

The trouble with Christianity is, not that its failed, but that it's never been tried . . . not that it can't remake the world, but that it's difficult.

America is the only country ever founded on a creed.

The telescope makes the world smaller; it is only the microscope that makes it larger.

There is no obligation on us to be richer, or busier, or more efficient, or more productive, or more progressive, or any way worldlier or wealthier, if it does not make us happier.

The real argument against aristocracy is that it always means the rule of the ignorant. For the most dangerous of all forms of ignorance is ignorance of work.