Steven Wright Quotes

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.