R. H. Dana Quotes

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Don't ever let anybody know you're injured.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

I've found that knowing the material or the policy or the facts better than anyone else in the room is so empowering - and that means fully understanding them.

Boxing is your father's sport.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

I think I would make a good spy. I can sort of be a chameleon. People don't notice me very easily. I never get recognized.

I'm the worst rider. I'm a terrible rider. Me and horses are not a good mix. For some reason, people are always trying to get me on a horse in a movie.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

I think a lot of women, especially ones that want to achieve career goals, tend to worry. I don't want anyone to worry their life away.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

You know ladies and gentlemen, a long time ago , there were lots of people, but that was a long time ago

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

I think ABC sort of hoped I would be really like Carol Burnett. I mean literally, I think.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Describing comic sensibility is near impossible. It's sort of an abstract silliness, that sometimes the joke isn't the star.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

Gray sail against the sky, Gray butterfly! Have you a dream for going. Or are you the blind wind's blowing?

Occupy Wall Street means making Wall Street and the corporate power elite understand that the people affected by the binge of unregulated greed are not going away, and they are not going to give up.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

The Highlander was a documentary, and events happened in real time.

During my 8 years as chairman, I had the privilege to peer into the future to see dynamic citizen astronauts returning to and from the heavens which we can expect in the future.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

The library should be a commonplace to every one. To use it should be as natural when one needs news or knowledge, fiction or fact, as it is to use the trolley when one needs transportation.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

I'd be nervous about skiing, wondering what I'd do if I felt shaky on top of a mountain; but other diabetics do ski, so there's no reason I couldn't.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

The intelligence activities undertaken by the United States government are lawful, necessary and required to protect Americans from terrorist attacks.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Fight for your opinions, but do not believe that they contain the whole truth, or the only truth.

Live to fight another day on better legislation.

What woman wants to go home with a guy that lives with his mother?

There are days when I think I don't believe anymore. When I think I've grown too old for miracles. And that's right when another seems to happen.

I'm a friend of the CEO of Twitter and he showed me how to be on it, but it causes such an uproar if what you post is perceived in a negative light.

Remember that you create your world. It’s not what happens to you, but how you choose to deal with it.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

We all know that television is better for women as they get into their 40s. You could be more three-dimensional, not just the wife or the mother.

If you put Willem Dafoe, Liam Neeson and James Woods in a room together, there wouldn't be room for anyone else.