Milton Berle Quotes

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient

I can't tell you his age but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

Committee: A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.