I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

If the institution of mathematics told a story . . . how would it end?

The sky breaks. It sags and breathes upon my face. in the presence of mine enemies, mine enemies The world is full of enemies. There is no safe place.

Recommending or insisting on abstinence has been completely ineffective.

They run like deer, jump like deer and think like deer.

I look in my closet, and if I need it, I design it.

The layman's constitutional view is that what he likes is constitutional and that which he doesn't like is unconstitutional.

If dogs could talk, perhaps we would find it as hard to get along with them as we do with people.

I don't know if I've ever derived such an immediate sense of calm and well-being from any book as I did from 'Right Ho, Jeeves.' It was like I was Pac-Man and the book was a power-up.

Oh heavy change. The world deteriorates like a rotting apple, worms and a skin.

People get passionate about a song. It's been my experience if you put out radio candy, something commercial, it doesn't sell records.