Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it."

Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power.

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it.

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

Men want to make women happy.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little.

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

Festivus for the Restivus!

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

That's the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.

Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic.

I love energy. I love it. And I pursue it, and I want more of it. Physical and mental energy, to me, are the greatest riches of human life. And TM is like a free account of an endless amount of it.

Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.

Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.

I love meeting Israeli people. They look at me like a son

When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.

Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.

No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.

Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Why would anybody want a friend?

I'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.

Economy is essential to all good art.

I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.

I am freaking out! I am freaking out, man!

Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away."

Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.

We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.

There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.

I like to try anything... You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are.