Groucho Marx Quotes

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

Go, and never darken my towels again

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

But what makes wage slaves? Wages!

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.

Only if the computers really love each other.

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Any place I hang my head is home.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

Hello, I must be going.

Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.

Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

TV is the rat race of the century.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.

I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.

That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.