George Carlin Quotes
In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.
To me the cynics are the ones in the boardrooms with the reports from the focus groups.
As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
Everything that you know about yourself comes from thinking back, and I think I saw religion as the first big betrayal of me.
If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
Lenny Bruce genius was the unique ability to investigate hypocrisy and expose social inequities in a street rap that was really a form of poetry.
It's difficult enough for a young person to put his soul on the line in front of a lot of drunken people without having that hanging over his head, too.
Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it's still there?
I was trying to get out of the night clubs and was thinking maybe I'll go to the colleges now; that's where you can speak your mind.
No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
In some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.
I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.
You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.
Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.