George Carlin Quotes

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

He is dead now, but he meant well.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.

You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.

Barry Goldwater has definitely decided to be a candidate in '64. He will campaign in all thirteen states.

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.

Mother's milk leads to everything.

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.

Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.

I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh.

I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

We are all precancerous.

I suspect there really was more to my accident than bad luck. I think it was God's way of punishing my nose.

I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.

Because Brenda [Carlin] had a drinking problem along with the coke, she had to hit bottom first. Most alcoholics do. And for her, bottom was an automobile accident that almost landed her in jail.

Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.

My father and mother separated when I was two months old.

First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood - the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers.

The patterns became even more vivid at Cardinal Hayes High School. That's when I began failing subjects and running away from home for days at a time.

Life is not that complicated.

Somebody once said that Hollywood is based on a lot of producers deliberately making bad movies, and every now and then somebody gets lucky.

I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon.

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'

What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.

The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

Your home is your refuge.

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space.

Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

Sudden total weight loss.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.

When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows; there's just nothing special about their content.

I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.

For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.