Emo Philips Quotes

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.