Emo Philips Quotes

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in his wisdom didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.