Doug Stanhope Quotes

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

AA makes Scientology look credible.

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

Coward is the most misused word in our society.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.