David Quotes

You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.

New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.

New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?

Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money.

I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can't see her feet.

The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.

Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?

Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.

Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said, 'Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.'

They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that.

Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.

John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.

I wouldn't give my troubles to a monkey on a rock.

In Hollywood, Oscar is king.

Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!"

Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush.

The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.

Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.

Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.

North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill.

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.

Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'

Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

Bring Your Child to Work Day -- that's how we got George W. Bush.

Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for.

What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids -- and he hates Americans for their "excessive" lifestyle.

Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.

According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'

Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.

Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now I know this guy is presidential material.

Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.

It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.

How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One.

Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'

Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.

Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.

I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!

The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.

They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.

The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.

Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.

I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.