Bill Maher Quotes

Marvel Comics announced that the next Captain America will be black. He has the same powers as white Captain America, except he has to show I.D. when he votes.

Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery...

You can't get saved if you don't play.

There's a new iPad out...People are going nuts for this thing...And, today, Mitt Romney said, 'It's a flat piece of white plastic. If you can love it, why not me?'

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

We take one group of people and we demonize them. Trying to turn people against our Muslim friend and neighbors.

London. Another terrorist attack and ISIS claimed credit. I am surprised because I thought we had wiped out ISIS on day one as Donald Trump said.

I don't want to start a movement that mirrors religion. I don't want to create the church of the non-believers where I'm the preacher and we're all gathering together and reciting things.

Eell there always is a tendency in human nature to deify.

Don't vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under.

When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was.

I'm just honest. They [asians] don't want to see black people generally in their movies.

Conservatives claim [Hillary] Clinton campaign involved in satanic 'spirit cooking'.

I was out at the HBO party, these are liberals, I imagine, and a lot of people came up to me and said, "Keep giving it to the president."

Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.

What is Kanye West's message? Like most rap, "I am the greatest person ever and you're not." I used to call it affirmative action for the ego.

Recognition is one of the three big elements of comedy.

I ... would guess maybe about one or two out of five men is suited for marriage and probably four out of five women are better at marriage than being single and would like to be married.

Democrats are afraid of polls. Republicans aren't afraid of polls. Republicans make polls. Democrats run from polls.

One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it's all fun.

People are either good or they're not. Religion doesn't make anybody good, I don't think.

People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we're not united as a country.

Whatever good religion has done, it has come at a terrible price.

Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it.

I'm not a joiner. I don't like organizations.

As a loyal American and I think a patriotic American, no, I don't want Sarah Palin to be president.

If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it's kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake.

If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream.

I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep & conformists.

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is!

Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American.

If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child.

But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.

Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.

The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people.

We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit!

I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?

I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.

I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.

I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.

Fascism is when corporations become the government.

We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected.