Bill Maher Quotes

People say I'm into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I'm just into women who are real, and they happen to be black.

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.

The President said that Gold told him to invade Iraq. You see that's what happens when you mix New Testament and Old Milwaukee.

New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, 'black man loots house, steals white woman.'

Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, 'White people's problems.'

New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.

If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won't give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can't afford to have your head examined.

Stupidity is not another form of knowledge.

Religion is defined as belief in and worship of a controlling power and atheism is precisely not that.

If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.

Between trying to impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, and the recall in California, I'm beginning to think that Republicans will do anything to win an election-except get the most votes.

Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that.

Newt Gingrich...is absolutely for bombing Iran and for lowering gas prices. And I've just to say, you can't be for both. They are diametrically opposed.

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.

It somehow became an article of faith on the right that Obama is the most extreme president in American history. Although, when they say that, I think what they really mean is...he's black.

Republicans have pounced. They're outraged. They say, 'How dare you lie about caring for the people who got hurt in the war we lied them into?'

This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.

No politician is perfect. But in every election in your life, there will be one choice that is better than the others. Go out and vote for that one.

[Obamacare] was going to be the Republicans' big issue, and they're not talking about it because it's working.

What does it take for Republicans to take off the flag pin and say, 'I am just too embarrassed to be on this team'?

Being a conservative also used to involve the concept of people being free to do whatever they want to do, as long as it doesn't hurt somebody else. Conservatives used to be very libertarian.

What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can't vote.

Oh, America! I could never leave you! You're like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh!

Why can't God just defeat the devil and get rid of evil? It's the same reason the comic book character can't get rid of his nemesis; then there's no story.

I just don't see why anybody would vote Republican in the Army. If you want to support the troops, if I was a troop, I would say, 'You know how to support me? Don't send me to stupid wars.'

Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.

It's all been satirized for your protection.

The shame would be if Democrats get thrown out of office without ever having tried Democratic policies.

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.

In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.

If it makes you feel any better we will be happy to attack a country that had nothing to do with it.

I doubt anything will really come of this lawsuit. First of all, it's a lawsuit. It involves a subpoena. And try to find a Republican who will be willing to be seen serving a black man.

Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won't take anything on faith?

Gingrich is the "foremost intellectual" in the Republican party like Gene Simmons is the foremost intellectual in "Kiss".

I used to stay at the Trump [hotels] and I just wouldn't now. The people were great, but I wouldn't stay at a 'birther' hotel.

North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It's like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car.

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.

I don't understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.

Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can't pass a background check support background checks.

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

The "Power of One" is a slogan--not a goal.

I have always defined political correctness as an elevation of sensitivity over truth.

The Drug War is an addiction, really.

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

Hollywood isn't your cesspool, America. It's your mirror.