With stand-up, it doesn't matter who you are. If the audience claps because they love your movies, that clapping stops after five seconds, and then it's your job to make them laugh.

Make all your decisions based on how hilarious it would be if you did it.

If you feel like a weirdo, it's okay because weirdos rule the world.

I'm too awkward to date, I think. I'm kind of all or nothing, you know? Either put a baby inside of me or leave me alone.

It's weird, huh? It's like the minute you kinda give up control you just know what to do without doing anything.

I'm like that person who hates going to magic shows - and I love magic, I love wizards - but going to a show where there is any possibility of audience participation is a nightmare for me.

I always want to keep growing and keep surprising people, and showing them different parts of me.

I think being on a TV show is amazing but also, people get kind of used to seeing you a certain way and so it becomes a challenge to break free from that in a way.

I don't let myself 'surf' on the Web, or I would probably drown.

I've had experiences in my life where I've met certain people that have opened up something in me and given me hope and a new outlook on life.

My grandfather came over from Puerto Rico and raised his kids speaking English so that it would be easier for them to assimilate.

Your race against life must yield effort for you to be productive

We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.

He speaks to the poor, the powerless, and he mocks the rich and powerful. He isn't the Messiah the Pharisees are looking for.

Thanks to Obamacare, millions of Americans can visit a doctor’s office and see what a print magazine actually looks like.

Bravery is the knowledge of the cowardice in the enemy.

In many cases, jobs that used to be done by people are going to be able to be done through automation. I don't have an answer to that. That's one of the more perplexing problems of society.

Liberty has never lasted long in a democracy, nor has it ever ended in anything better than despotism.

people are more than the worst thing they have ever done in their lives

Pleasant it to behold great encounters of warfare arrayed over the plains, with no part of yours in peril.

Once you reject evidence as a source of knowledge, you don't gotta believe nothin' you don't like.