Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it.

I think the Republican party should be placed in drydock and have the barnacles scraped off its bottom.

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone.

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Too many of our countrymen rejoice in stupidity, look upon ignorance as a badge of honor. They condemn everything they don't understand.

All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive.

Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches.

My father warned me about men and booze but he never said anything about women and cocaine.

They aren't making mirrors like they use to.

The only moral it is possible to draw from this story is that one should never throw the Q letter into a privet bush, but unfortunately there are times when it is unavoidable.

If your Ipad can do it better than you, then it is not a skill.

The vase was placed upon my desk, and there were orange-blossoms in it—orange-blossoms, in an English winter!

Atheists have just as much of a right to the public discourse as any ... people of any religious faith in this country.

Everybody has a different kind of talent and a different timetable as to when they develop.

I've always wanted to get involved with designing a video game.

People who think too much before they act don't act too much.

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.

Let's cause some senators distress.

If you really love property, and buildings, lifestyles and how people live, that's a good reason for going into development.