Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

The ‘fact’ of my actions frequently collide with the ‘fiction’ of my words. And at what point will I live what I say, so I will avoid what I do?

Praise begins a prayer.

They said it was only a ground shark

The soul can split the sky in two and let the face of God shine through.

Those who give up liberty for the sake of security, deserve neither liberty nor security.

Showing Respect Is not Slavery...and Must Be Taught

I grew up with a lot of brothers and male cousins, so I had to worm my way in to get heard. But that's sort of what excites me.

To be sure an artist wishes to raise his standard intellectually as much as possible, but the man must remain in obscurity. Pleasure must be found in the studying.

Why do so many people yearn for an eternal life when they don't even know what to do with themselves in this brief one?

I don't want to be a director, or to have responsibility for hundreds of people.