The Democrats are very bad at selling their own product. The Republicans are geniuses at it. And I've said it before, a bad product well apologized for is superior in this country to a good product.

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

Don't openly speak repeatedly about how well you are living, if you aren't willing to help others do better in life.

Cynicism! That, no doubt is a greater crime than heresy.

I've been pretty focused my entire life, and now that I have a family, I'm just going to keep that focus, but it's going to be a family focus.

Life is too short to spend it being angry, bored, or dull.

Coming through the years, and finding that I not only have just the fans of my day, but the young ones of today - that's what it means, it means it was worth all of it.

It's true that the pain makes people change

Death to Israel! Death to Israel!

There's a pretty equitable distribution in the restaurant industry of how money gets paid, except for in the kitchen. The kitchen is the lowest-paid group of people.

Democracies can't handle austerity measures very well.

I don't think I'm too mean to celebrities. I poke fun, but I think in the end, they always win.