That was when things got weird. You may have thought things were weird already, but this was uber-weird

I figured I only had about two seconds to live. It’s amazing how many thoughts you can have in two seconds.

I had a choice. My instincts told me to hurry up and give the choking man the Heimlich maneuver. My brain told me to stay still until he expired and chalk this one up to divine intervention.

I shrieked like a little girl, which, if you think about it, makes total sense.

This was a true pants-pooping moment.

She looked mean, but I think that was her natural resting face.

I had read once that dumb people didn't know they were dumb. They thought they were just as smart as anybody else. That was a very unsettling thought. What if I was really dumb and didn't know it?

Do not go where you don’t belong. I scoffed. That sounded like an invitation if I ever heard one.

A stealthy ninja monkey she was not.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Life is an end in itself and the only question as to whether it is worth living is whether you have had enough of it.

Works of art make rules rules do not make works of art.

We should not judge people by their peak of excellence but by the distance they have traveled from the point where they started.

Examples would indeed be excellent things were not people so modest that none will set, and so vain that none will follow them.

Wisdom never comes to those who believe they have nothing left to learn.

I’m a coward, I close my eyes. I don’t understand why God made sight the only sense that can be blocked off.

One aspect of a successful relationship is not just how compatible you are, but how you deal with your incompatibility.

I'm proud of my brother. I would never not want to be associated with him.

I'm many things, most of 'em bad. But a man of political principles? No.