That's what fiction writers do: create characters and do terrible things to them for the entertainment of others. If they feel guilty enough, they write happy endings.

In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers.

Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

I've been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn't require my presence.

Becoming the new feminine ideal requires just the right combination of insecurity, exercise, bulimia and surgery.

Freedom should always be discussed within the context of responsibility.

I try to take people one at a time, with all the contradictions and compromises that most of us live with.

Life is like a movie-since there aren't any commercial breaks, you have to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of it.

I'm still passionately interested in what my fellow humans are up to. For me, a day spent monitoring the passing parade is a day well-spent.

At college my three main interests were - in descending order of importance - a steady supply of recreational drugs, a 2-S draft deferment, and overthrowing the Nixon administration.

Where there's smoke, there's bound to be mirrors.

Seventh grade had a full complement of creeps, weirdos, future criminals, and nerds.

You don't make a poem with ideas, but with words.

Yeah Jesus could turn water in to wine, but he didn't share. Douche.

[Donald Trump] has got his own controversies to deal with. The business conflicts are a big one. But he's creating new ones. There's no precedent for it.

The purpose of the gospel is to transform common creatures into celestial citizens, and that requires change.

I'm a proud person. I'm not vain. I look at it like it is. If you've got the money and you're going to be out there, you owe it to people not to look like a dog if you can help it.

Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve.

No one will ever know what I went through to secure those negatives. The world can never appreciate it. It changed the whole course of my life.

It's like breathing in and out to me. It's like having a conversation with someone who isn't there. Because it has to be addressed to somebody - not a particular person, or very rarely.

Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner!