Stand-up is not just an American thing anymore. It's global. In some places, stand-up comedy is brand new. South Africa has only had a scene for 15 years.

I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.

There's 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There's big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don't have one for common sense?

When you go to Hawaii, it's all about "Aloha." It means hello, goodbye and I love you.

You live by the cake, you die by the cake.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

If your believed in book-told god is a silly sod, you too are.

Opinions are like ugly children … despite it all you love your own.

Prayerful life

The practice of meditation is an ancient practice. It's been practiced in many lands, for many lifetimes. You may have practiced it before.

All I see are ankles and wrists--and FYI, you're pulling a Mileyfrickin'-Cyrus with that belly flash. Not attractive.

Love is indeed at root the product of the firings of neurons and release of hormones.

My true love hath my heart, and I have his

Perhaps everything terrifying is deep down a helpless thing that needs our help.

Haters gonna hate, but here are the only words you need for them. Sashay, away.

If wishes would prevail with me, my purpose should not fail with me.