Okay, well, I guess I'm still a kid. Because when I get really angry and fired up and I feel like my back is up against the wall, I will say vicious things.

Late night television is ready for someone like me... standards have gone to an all-time low.

I will never vote Democrat again, they are Communists.

Most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not?

I am completely pissed off that I'm circumcised.

Talent is what drives this world ... Doesn’t matter how many satellites you f---ing stick in the air.

I think I could create a cult, no problem. The hard part is getting people to kill themselves.

I'm down with just the Backstreet Boys.

When you hire me, you hire a nut who is going to work 24 hours a day for you and never, ever burn his audience.

I've always been about honesty, whether on the radio, whether I did a movie, whether I wrote a book. As long as you're honest, you don't lose your edge.

You've got to be a little vicious. You've got to be narcissistic. You've got to be on fire about your career.

What's the point of using words nobody knows or can say comfortably?

What a glorious garden of wonders the lights of Broadway would be to anyone lucky enough to be unable to read.

I was in Yorkshire. We were a family of five and I used to be sent sometimes to get the rations for the week and was easily able to carry them back. It was like one egg and a tiny bit of tea.

You don't need to say any special incantation or sacrifice a stray cat or something first?

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

I can't even really tell a joke. I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it and I feel guilty saying that, but it's the truth. I love my work but it ain't easy.

I know we're meant to be these hard-headed, money-obsessed professionals but we're still little boys at heart. Just ask our wives.

The left considers conservatives and Republicans to be their number one enemy, not Islam. Certainly not Islam! We conservatives and Republicans are a greater enemy that even Al-Qaeda or ISIS.

Do I want to be feared or loved? That's a good question. I want both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

There is nothing like writing to force you to think and get your thoughts straight.