No one who ever had lessons would have a swing like mine.

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.

He who does not cherish life, does not deserve to be among the living. ☥

In its own way the kiss had been an act of murder.

I've always felt you unearth story, like you're on an archeological dig.

No one can depute authority. It comes too much from personal accidents, and too little from reason or law to be handed over to others.

How do you do?" said Violet. "How do you do?" said Klaus. "Odo yow!" said Sunny.

My dream roles haven't been written yet. My favorite thing to do is to dive into the uncharted territories of a new script that's untainted by someone else's idea of the character.

To be honest and truthful in all endeavours is an experience, not a regret

If women were as fastidious as men, morally or physically, there would be an end of the race.

Keep a good table and attend to the ladies.

I don't let nobody sign for my money. Me and my wife write our own checks. So, if there's some money missing, we know how it got missing.