Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

As with all travel, replacing familiar surroundings with the unknown fires an electric charge that awakens a sense of adventure.

You are 27 or 28 right? It is very tough to live at that age. When nothing is sure. I have sympathy with you.

There are always reasons for murdering a man. But there is no justification for his existence.

We love to live a simple life... we simply love the life we live though some would say it's hard.

I want my body to help fertilize the growth of a cactus or cliff rose or sagebrush or tree.

Socialism is humanity's second nature. All politicians do is turn human vice into votes.

Why did the ancients praise the Way? Did they not say it was because you find what you seek and are saved from your wrongdoings?

In Paris there are two dens, one for thieves, the other for murderers. The den of thieves is the Stock Exchange; the den of murderers is the Courthouse.

I'm a novelist, not a social scientist or a commentator.

In the divorce my ex got everything. Even kept her composure