Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

That was some branch. Did it have a vendetta against your t-shirt?”“Guess so.”“I hope you showed it who is boss.”“Yeah, I peed on it.

Greater things are believed of those who are absent.

The Saudi government's denial of basic rights to women is not only wrong, it hurts Saudi Arabia's economic development, modernization and prosperity.

When you start playing a character every day for seven weeks, it suddenly starts becoming easier.

I can tell a good cowboy by the way he approaches a cow.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' needs a little bit fresher sound. I might put some gospel beats in 'Hail to the Chief.'

It is just as impossible to help reform by conciliating prejudice as it is by buying votes. Prejudice is the enemy. Whoever is not for you is against you.

In Czechoslovakia there is no such thing as freedom of the press. In the United States there is no such thing as freedom from the press.

The cards are bigger than you. You're not bigger than the cards. The cards are the best player at the table. So, let them come to you and don't force the issue. Pick your spots.

According to deontology it is wrong to kill an innocent human being, period.