It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

All the reasons you fell in love are still there, but perhaps buried under worries and responsibility. Find them again, then hang in there. Truly, the best is yet to come.

this blue shirt i have is practically the same color as my jeans, and looking all-blue is something only cookie monster can pull off.

This is a small town, so everyone talks. Ironic, isn't it—so few people, so many opinions?

Mental slavery is worst than physical slavery

Blessed be the slot players for theirs is the hope of a better day dawning.

The only reason we wore sunglasses onstage was because we couldn't stand the sight of the audience.

Only the small things in life are important

Everything we will ever need, we already have within us.

In aesthetic theory it might be extremely difficult, if not quite impracticable, to draw a line between the canon of classicism, or regard for the archaic, and the canon of beauty.

Discarding doubt is a decision to reconnect to your original self.