It's time to P-A-R-T-Why? Because I gotta!

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I know this sounds strange, but as a kid, I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one, I mean no one, even talked to me.

My soul is not contained within the limits of my body; my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.

I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.

Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.

150 people die every year from being hit by falling coconuts. Not to worry, drug makers are developing a vaccine.

Flowers don't worry about how they're going to bloom. They just open up & turn toward the light & that makes them beautiful.

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.

Everything you gain in life will rot and fall apart, and all that will be left of you is what was in your heart.

Poor woman! She probably thought change of air might agree with many of her children.

One cannot create an art that speaks to men when one has nothing to say.

I therefore beg leave to move that henceforth prayers imploring the assistance of Heaven, and its blessing on our deliberations, be held in this Assembly every morning.

Tell me why...... I don't like Mondays.

The secular Jew is a figment; when a Jew becomes a secular person he is no longer a Jew.

In some cases, managers and employees have secured pensions beyond their original base salary. It is wrong, the people doing it know it's wrong, and we have to put an end to it.

Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.

I draw inspiration from my travels, so I am always keeping my eye out for what is new in each corner of the country.

I was extremely shy and had a terrible fear of public speaking. But I had fallen in love with stand-up.

Principles are sometimes an unaffordable luxury.