In any combat between a rogue and a fool the sympathy of mankind is always with the rogue.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

Stop nourishing other people’s ideas and beliefs in your life. Take up your own idea and endeavor to accomplish it.

Only the dead remember the truth.

There are often two conversations going on in a marriage. The one that you’re having and the one you’re not.

Optimism is denial for chumps with no life experience"."What's pessimism?" I said."Religion without God.

When I believe in something, I support it fully. On that note, I totally don't support Velcro shoes.

I don't have a burning desire to be taken seriously as an actor. I don't have a master plan in that way.

If you're going to read this, don't bother.

Do you know what a blessing it is to make movies that make people happy?

I know what it's like to be shoveling to pay bills. I know what it's like to not have a job.

You can set yourself up to be sick, or you can choose to stay well.