In an odd way, my parents were proud of me. When they saw me do stand-up, I'd see them looking around the room and watch them taking in the people laughing. On some level, that comforted them.

Really life is about narcissism; no one is ever thinking about you much. You always think people are thinking about you way more than they are.

I'm not sure I'm okay with 2 guys gettin' married, but I don't wanna be a jerk about it.

And home pregnancy tests? They are so last century. Nowadays, I think there's an app that calls your iPhone to warn you that if you finish that third cosmo, you may wind up with a wombmate.

Every era in history has needed, and will need, reproductive health services.

You can't solve a problem until you address the problem.

By some fluke, my folks forgot to ask me the question most crucial to ensuring a lifetime of self-doubt: 'What if you fail?

We've got a deeply flawed political system with an insane overreaching extremist element, with a Supreme Court that is completely loony.

My curiosity is not a choice. It's always been part of me. I think of it as a vital organ.

I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

Commit a little bit more to the world outside of your own life. Get people talking.

This is Leo. I'm the... What's my title? Am I like, admiral, or captain, or...""Repair boy.""Very funny, Piper.

The greatest sign of success for a teacher... is to be able to say, 'The children are now working as if I did not exist.'

An investment operation is one which, upon thorough analysis, promises safety of principal and an adequate return.

Oregon is outflanking California as the most left wing state in the union.

What I see in a lot of music movies, or rock 'n' roll movies, that feature a band is that they're lip-synching.

The popular gospel of this day, is the laughing-stock of Hell; it dare neither damn the sinner, nor sanctify the saint.

Do you even recognize your own consciousness?

Self-respect is nothing to hide behind. When you need it most it isn't there.

I had more fun making Traffic than either of the Ocean's films.

People power. It has no limits.