If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead.

America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America"

Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.

The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service.

When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.

You're impossible, " she told him. "Of course I am, " he answered. "It's part of my charm.

We have a system that increasingly taxes work and subsidizes nonwork.

Attack wins you games, defence wins you titles.

Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.

All the things we achieve are things we have first of all imagined.

The only sense that is common in the long run, is the sense of change and we all instinctively avoid it.

I did have role models, but most of them were male.

I’ll tell you the secret to good teaching: make possible an experience without predetermining what that experience will be.

When I marry, it will be to a faithful returned missionary in the Temple.

A drawing a day keeps the cobwebs away.