I think, you know, a lot of the business of comedy is taking your personal experiences and making them relatable to other people.

I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.

We only hear success stories. You don't hear about the hundreds and hundreds - the overwhelming majority that don't go anywhere. This is a more realistic portrayal of what happens in startups.

The plan was always to come to America, because Pakistan's a scary place. They don't have religious freedom. It's very poor, and there's a lot of violence and corruption.

Just because you saw a vampire doesn't mean that a snowman or a Loch Ness Monster also exists.

I think being funny had something to do with feeling like an outsider, not feeling cool - insecurity.

The whole religion of Islam is based on reward and punishment and reward and punishment, and it becomes a part of how you think of everything. Even yourself.

I thought of America as this crazy, happy, exciting place where everybody's rich and there's stuff everywhere. Compared to Pakistan, it's not untrue.

I was extremely shy and had a terrible fear of public speaking. But I had fallen in love with stand-up.

I am a very nerdy guy. I understand that it's easier to cast me as a nerdy guy than an action star - although I would love to be an action star!

It's not like I listened to music and then stopped. I still don't have a real appreciation for music because I didn't really start listening to it until my 20s.

True wisdom lies in the pure roots of untouchedly souls.

Those who would like the God of scripture to be more purely ethical, do not know what they ask.

I have a fetish for damsels in distress.” “Don’t be sexist.” “Not at all. My services are also available to gentlemen in distress. It’s an equal opportunity fetish.

It was shocking to realize how many low-income Americans don't have savings accounts.

I've been meditating as part of my yoga practice for so long, I can't remember when I started.

For one quarter, Black Tiger lets me escape from my rotten existence for three glorious hours. Pretty good deal.

I go from exasperation to a state of collapse, then I recover and go from prostration to Fury, so that my average state is one of being annoyed.

When I first came into this world, Elvis was already fat.

Even then, our family was extraordinary, with ten kids.

It was the best kind of November day. Cold and crisp, but not quite freezing, not icy. Just cold enough that she could justifiably wear all her favorite clothes—cardigans and tights and leg warmers.