I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

The Great God!

Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity.

If I'm about to forget my kid's birthday, I want the phone to scream at me until I do something about it.

There are two instruments worse than a clarinet - two clarinets.

Lend money to an enemy, and thou will gain him, to a friend and thou will lose him.

Follow your bliss. That which you love you must spend your life doing, as passionately and as perfectly as your heart, mind and instincts allow.

I think it's alarming that people believe that success enables one to forget how life felt before. As if one could simply exchange one's values.

The peculiarity of the evidence of mathematical truths is that all the argument is on one side.

I'm a lot older than my little brothers and sister, so I think I grew up babysitting them.

A man can't do more than he can - but he can at least do that much.