I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration.

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl.

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

I didn't really want to be a comedian.

I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself.

I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people.

Modern man threw a brick through his own window in order to sell himself a burglar alarm.

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

You’re actually fulfilling your calling by going to work and giving your best.

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

It is only necessary to have courage, for strength without self-confidence is useless.

The greatest of follies is to sacrifice health for any other kind of happiness.

Our real illiteracy is our inability to create

You don't need to make your heart and your head agree. Let your head make the decision, your heart will catch up eventually.

To cry on court during a Wimbledon final, you must feel so lonely.

[The poets' role is that of] capturing on their instruments the secret stir of life in the air and giving it voice in the music of prophecy

The idea that feeling confident and feeling misunderstood are mutually exclusive really bugs me.

Fix your eyes on perfection and you make almost everything speed towards it.