A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl.

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.

I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration.

I didn't really want to be a comedian.

I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself.

I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people.

Modern man threw a brick through his own window in order to sell himself a burglar alarm.

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

The only self control I have when I am with you is that I am with you.

Charter boats are like books with no covers.

Great grief does not of itself put an end to itself.

Show us 14 photos of yourself and we can identify who you are.

Never underestimate the capacity of noble young men to do incredibly foolish things for perfectly good reasons.

That's the thing that most people don't realize. In real life, comedians aren't funny. They save it. They save it up.

Vulgarity is not as destructive to an artist as snobbery.

In Egypt, the living were subordinate to the dead.

The most important thing is insight, that is to be - curious - to wonder, to mull, and to muse why it is that man does what he does.