I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself.

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl.

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration.

I didn't really want to be a comedian.

I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people.

Modern man threw a brick through his own window in order to sell himself a burglar alarm.

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

Sometimes being indifferent solves everything.

When you stop talking, you've lost your customer. When you turn your back, you've lost her.

Let no feeling of discouragement prey upon you, and in the end you are sure to succeed.

Faith isn't knowledge, Rachel. Faith is a tool. Faith keeps us going until we get the knowledge. Faith keeps us striving until we reach the consequences of our most important decisions.

When she didn't say anything more, he frowned, thinking this was the pair of them in a nutshell: Standing three feet away from each other and being separated by miles.

There was something soothing about the crackle of paper, the smell of ink, and the soft scratching of nibs and brushes.

I love to test boundaries.

We're all African-American, so we're all influenced by each other.

Equality is an unconscious assumption, and if you feel you are treating someone as an equal, then you are not doing it.

Nobody ever talks about the mean things that girls do to each other.