I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

The romantic within us is a harbinger of our deepest desires.

If there is anyone who owes everything to Bach, it is certainly God.

Before I fix the world, I have to fix myself.

I am an atheist.

Loyalty and friendship, which is to me the same, created all the wealth that I've ever thought I'd have.

Writers who have nothing to say always strain for metaphors to say it in.

A woman as the leader of the Free World is an impossibility. Muslim countries won't talk to you.

Success in love isn't about looks, it's about attitude.

Terrorism is simply the weapon by which the weak engage the strong.

To create a minimum standard of life below which no human being can fall is the most elementary duty of the democratic state.