I could always make people laugh.

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.

I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.

Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

I'd kiss you if I could, " I whispered. Jared's breath caressed my skin. "I have other shirts." I smiled and kissed him.

For a hot-shot CEO taking over a troubled company, mass firings are the ultimate quick fix, the accounting equivalent of crack: cheap, easy to score, instantly gratifying, and highly addictive.

I don't mind looking foolish but it's just that I'm so bad at singing. The only time people ask me to sing is if they want the party to stop. If they want everyone to go home. Immediately.

It is not enough to criticize society without offering a workable alternative.

When I was a school kid in Coventry, I used to put up anti-apartheid stickers.

I love your hills and I love your dales, And I love your flocks a-bleating; but oh, on the heather to lie together, With both our hearts a-beating!

The best training is to play by ear: trial by fire.

The teacher must herself be excited if she is to sell her goods. And she can do an exciting job in stirring the student without herself knowing all the answers.

I've had a lot of luck. If I didn't I'd be washing bottles in Russia.

Whoever aspires to win the grace of God should cultivate at the outset the quality of Kshama (Forgiveness).