I admire ventriloquists, because I can't do that. I mean, I might get mistaken for a ventriloquist dummy every now and then, but I can't do what they do.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

Shade for a manAnd shelter for animals, Planted in your name, May you be the same for those around you, Every year the same.

Overeating at Thanksgiving is a case in point. It's a national tradition.

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.

Jeb Bush is my friend. I think he'd make a great president. I've nudged him for some time.

It was Ba's inspiration which helped me reach the heights of my inner self. She was my priceless jewel.

What a strange world it is, where prisoners are left their weapons and the written word is a mortal danger.

If I hurt someone, if I were to accidentally poke someone's eye out, I would laugh. And then I'd say, 'I'm sorry, I really do feel bad,' but then I'm on the floor rolling.

While I was in Montrose, the publishing checks went into the band's coffers. This was our management's decision; we were just financing ourselves on the road.

Besides, you don't work for a dollar - you work to create and have fun.