I actually tell lies for a living. Exactly. I mean, that's what acting is, really.

I think everybody's weird. We should all celebrate our individuality and not be embarrassed or ashamed of it.

if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.

The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants.

Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate

We don't always cry because we are weak, sometimes we cry because we have been strong, brave and courageous for way too long.

I'm having too much fun today to worry about tomorrow.

People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long.

When kids hit one year old, it's like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.

If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.

I was ecstatic they re-named 'French Fries' as 'Freedom Fries'. Grown men and women in positions of power in the U.S. government showing themselves as idiots.

What does so-called success or failure matter if only you have succeeded in doing the thing you set out to do. The doing is all that really counts.

Fall seven times stand up eight.

I don't think writers are any smarter than other people. I think they may be more compelling in their stupidity, or in their confusion.

There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere.

All liaisons between homosexuals are conducted as though they were between a chorus girl and a bishop. In some cases both parties think they are bishops.

Realize that if you can instantly create a problem, you can just as quickly and easily create a solution.

Be clear about what you want to accomplish, and whether the circumstances surrounding you are actively helping you toward the goal.

I kiss you and kiss you, With arms around my own, Ah, how shall I miss you, When, dear, you have grown.

There is a mask of theory over the whole face of nature.