First of all, my wife writes half my act. I don't know how I could "steal" from my wife.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

Was it fate? Was it destiny?""I think it was Alan Blunt.

Only man among living things says prayers. Or needs to.

Writers who can't invent stories often substitute style for narrative. They remind me of the painter who couldn't paint people, so he painted chairs.

A fuel prices remain unstable and our nation's highways and airports suffer ever-increasing congestion and delays, Amtrak offers an invaluable alternative upon which Americans have come to rely

I grew up in a show biz family and, if you wanted to talk at the dinner table, you'd better be prepared to talk about film.

It's important to accessorise. I always turn to the scarves, hats and sunglasses. But wearing too many accessories at once can look very bad.

The small is easy to scatter.

The first step is the hardest – making a commitment to yourself, for yourself.

It takes courage not only to make decisions, but to live with those decisions afterward

I was confident about America and the idea that in America people can become American without masking their ethnic identity.