Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

As the world continually multiplies, are we in a generation where people are divided, or people are equal?

Much will have to change in Canada if the country is to stay the same.

Certainty generally is illusion and repose is not the destiny of man.

You got to look on the bright side, even if there ain't one.

Vacuuming is great. I do the laundry. I love washing machines. I'm the maid in my house.

Don't show up around here until your social worker's helped.

Beauty crowds me till I die.

Indians are numerous in the tropical regions; not so elsewhere.

To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects but your own; to be moral, all pretenses but your own.

I've never known anyone more ill equipped for happiness. He wouldn't know what to do with it.