Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

The hospital room was as cold as dead skin, the hallway crowded with lost souls and reeking of illness.

As a restaurateur, my job is to basically control the chaos and the drama. There's always going to be chaos in the restaurant business.

People can get information - on entertainment, politics, finance - much easier than before. That will change the way people do business, the way people live.

I want to show how strong I am from my roots.

When I think of Peter Wolf I always remember the Portuguese proverb: 'Never say you will not drink from that glass again.'

I know Jerry [Falwell] fairly well, and he's probably not bright enough to recognize all of the implications of what he said.

Zerbrowski said, "Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try." It took me a second to realize that he had just quoted Star Wars to me. It made me smile, and in that moment I loved him, just for that.

We call Japanese soldiers fanatics when they die rather than surrender, whereas American soldiers who do the same thing are called heroes.

Power always protects the good of some at the expense of all others.

In civilized life, where the happiness, and indeed almost the existence, of man depends so much upon the opinion of his fellow men, he is constantly acting a studied part.