Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White's seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

I don't know the rules of grammar. If you're trying to persuade people to do something, or buy something, it seems to me you should use their language.

The world outside the window is beautiful only if you try to find beauty in those what you see

Man becomes man only by the intelligence but he is man only by the heart.

The book salesman should be honored because he brings to our attention, as a rule, the very books we need most and neglect most.

Life is a wonderful thing to talk about, or to read about in history books - but it is terrible when one has to live it.

Rilla's heart skipped a beat — or, if that be a physiological impossibility, she thought it did.

I cannot refrain from saying that women must come to recognize there is some function of womanhood other than being a child-bearing machine.

I'm big on my kids being conventionally polite, and it works really well for them.

When you dream, sometimes you remember. When you wake, you always forget.

Am I going to change the world, or am I going to change me? Or maybe change the world a little bit, just by changing me?