Being a specialist is one thing, getting a job is another.

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

The landlady of a boarding-house is a parallelogram - that is, an oblong angular figure, which cannot be described, but which is equal to anything

Now, the essence, the very spirit of Christmas is that we first make believe a thing is so, and lo, it presently turns out to be so.

It may be those who do most, dream most.

I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.

A half truth, like half a brick, is always more forcible as an argument than a whole one. It carries better.

Advertising: the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

There are two things in ordinary conversation which ordinary people dislike - information and wit

I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.

It takes a good deal of physical courage to ride a horse. This, however, I have. I get it at about forty cents a flask, and take it as required.

I asked my dad, “If we were going to have two dads, should we call you Dad Number One and Dad Number Two?

Our readers are curious, creative, and compassionate fairy punks who are citizens of the world.

I've had these demons for years, maybe for my whole life. Then you came along to provoke them, expose them, and eventually rid me of them, because I believe you're the only human that can.

Middle age is youth without its levity And age without decay.

Treat your friends as you do your pictures and place them in their best light.

Truth is fine. Absolutely.

I know they say (Stalin) killed 20, 30, 40 million people. It's bullsh*t. (I have yet to find) one crime that Stalin committed.

There's a whole new set of rules, in this new world. If you don't abide by them, then you'll perish.

A bosom friend - an intimate friend, you know - a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul.

In real football, I wouldn't want Terrell Owens anywhere near my team. But you're nuts if you don't take him in fantasy.