Because I go outside sometimes, I'm exposed to terrible, terrible music in public.

I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.

I've been trying to quit smoking weed and it's really hard quitting pot. It was actually easier to become a vegetarian because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of beef.

Metal is the feeling of being an outsider, but still being part of something huge.

I was such a nerd in high school, I didn't even have imaginary friends, I had imaginary bullies.

Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.

I like any big city. I like any place where you can see a guy with a pants-full of pooh fighting a ghost.

I also smoke a lot of pot, occasionally, every day.

My act is pretty much me reflecting on what I want to talk about and what I think is funny and what has happened to me.

As a comic, I used to know more about pop culture.

Metal is easily my favorite thing - Exodus and Anthrax and Megadeth - so it just kind of organically came through in the standup act.

Don’t you ever cry again, Miss Zarish, ” he said in a strict but mild tone. “I would rather die than see tears in your eyes.

I feel sorry for people who only know comic books through movies. I really do.

It's a combination of life being unpredictable, and you being super dumb.

We held the team together for as long as possible and then sent all except the most critical personnel home.

Thats what abortion is - killing innocent humans for money. Abortionists are government licensed hit men.

Dictating to dictators doesn't work; they are congenitally delusional about their own indispensability.

The values of life are most important.

Changing the destructive things you say to yourself when you experience the setbacks that life deals all of us is the central skill of optimism.

So long as some are strong and some are weak, the weak will be driven to the wall.