Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a brown condom full of walnuts.

Whoever called snooker "chess with balls" was rude, but right.

Snooker is just chess with balls.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

The British secret service was staffed at one point almost entirely by alcoholic homosexuals working for the KGB

A sceptic finds Dallas absurd. A cynic thinks the public doesn't

It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.

A life without fame can be a good life, but fame without a life is no life at all.

Fiction is life with the dull bits left out.

Disco dancing is just the steady thump of a giant moron knocking in an endless nail.

They had a... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available.

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.

If it's dive-bombing you from the air, bury yourself in the sand. It might lose sight of you. Also, no one likes to eat food covered in sand. No one.

Next to motherhood, I personally believe that being an author is the best job in the world.

Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.

Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.

We can't behave like people in novels, though, can we?

Until we understand that our grief outweighs a thousand joys, we will never understand what Christianity is all about.

There are as many mediocrities exalted through pity as masters decried through envy.

I've been through a lot of stuff.

Looks can be decieving