Apparently, the Obamas chose New York City because they've gotten so used to people trying to break into their house.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Education is the seed of thought. If the mind is fertile, it will grow better crops.

Let thy vices die before thee.

Her big heart did not, as is so sadly often the case, inhabit a big bosom.

I chose a sunflower because when darkness descends they close up to regenerate. But I really wish I'd never had the tattoo in the first place. Clean, clear skin is always better.

Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive and don't ever apologize for anything.

All genius is simple. It involves close observation and a momentous act of self trust.

Bernie Sanders just seems to not have the personality to engage with people at the grassroots level.

There's a lot of pressure on kids, period, just to be successful in life.

If one publishes, then one is creating a public record of Learning to Write.

People do not persist in their vices because they are not weary of them, but because they cannot leave them off. It is the nature of vice to leave us no resource but in itself.