Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Just like a sailor who knows before reaching land that it is nearing, life too gives certain signals which indicate how closer you are to manifesting.

Don Knotts left [Andy Griffith Show] to pursue a movie career, so once he was gone I left too.

There would be a trial and there would be a judge. The only problem was, there could only be one sentence.

The message I'm trying to say is that I'm tough because of life experience.

But not only medicine, engineering, and painting are arts; living itself is an art in fact, the most important and at the same time the most difficult and complex art to be practiced by man.

In general, I don't know when inspiration will pop up.

Shakespeare's name, you may depend on it, stands absurdly too high and will go down.

When I was hacking, it was more pushing the status quo and seeing how far you can go.

If you do not look at things on a large scale, it will be difficult to master strategy.

Without [firmness] I see the majority of Communities that are lax reach that state because of the excessive leniency of Superiors. So, be firm, Monsieur.